Nightmare getting there

Zante is really hard to get to. It takes 3 HOURS from most major UK airports. You could get to Skegness from London on a train in that time? Plus, flights are incredibly expensive, expect to pay as much as £160 for return flights – that’s extortionate.

Life’s a beach said some fool once

Well it certainly is in Zante. Everywhere you go there is a bloody beach – sand everywhere, half-naked females in G-strings swanning about. Also, although there are no sharks or jellyfish in the water, you do face having to swim alongside razor clawed, blood-thirsty turtles. Why they are a protected species is anybody’s guess, these savage beasts will take your foot off!

Oh the food. Don’t forget the food

Even though the locals in Zante have the longest life expectancy in the world, surely it can’t be down what they are eating. Greek Cuisine will be the death of you for sure, it really is ghastly stuff. Basically, the Greeks like to mostly BBQ their meat on skewers so it’s all sizzling and juicy. Or they slow cook it for hours so it goes all soft and falls apart. Not a patch on your local Wetherspoons.

Not good for chilling out

If you want to chill out on your holiday then certain parts of Zante should be completely avoided, especially the notorious resort of Laganas. There is a whole road known as ‘The Strip’ packed with bars and nightclubs. One of the most popular nightlife capitals of Europe the Laganas Strip is basically a complete nightmare. Ghastly neon signs, banging music, thousands of people milling in and out of the bars and clubs, and all the girls are running around scantily clad and usually very intoxicated.

Zante is REALLY expensive

you might think your in Mayfair in central London. A pint of beer served in a frozen glass at a beach bar and they wanted £2.00? Piss take!  At Thymalos taverna on the Zante harbour you will be expected to pay £5.00 and what do you get? A half litre of wine, fresh bread, a Greek salad and a fresh seafood spaghetti or risotto? I mean come on that’s a joke surely?

Boat parties. Yawn

Who want’s to party on a boat for goodness sake? Cruising around the coast line – boring! Stopping off at beaches and getting all wet and salty. Sunset’s – seen one you’ve seen them all. Basically, the music’s too loud, all the girls are scantily dressed, everyone’s drunk and the scenery is distinctly average, this will really will be a tortuous evening.

Scary caves

A cave? You actually want to visit a cave in a boat? So what if it’s blue – ARE YOU MAD? It will surely be dark and cold inside a cave, why on earth would you want to inflict that upon yourselves? Insanity. Stay in the UK and have a nice walk down the local high street, grab a sausage roll from Greggs and nip in Primark, only fools visit bloody caves!

Water Sports

If you can think of anything worse than being towed by a high powered speedboat on a giant inflatable at high speeds let me know because i can’t. What would happen if you fell off which is surely the maniac in charge of the speedboats main intention.

Pool Parties

Swimming pools are for enjoying literature and an afternoon snooze and swimming a few lengths. They are not for raving in! Who set up a sound system and invited a DJ?

Weather

If you make the catastrophic decision to go to Zante you will look back fondly on the gold old British weather you are so used too. You really don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone! In Zante, it’s basically sunny every day. Boring blue skies all the time. Glorious sunshine. Complete nightmare if you have fair skin.