Where to stay

Let’s be honest it doesn’t really matter where you stay in Zante, all the accommodation is fairly basic. That’s because it has to be. Think about it, any hotel or apartment catering to 18-30 year old groups of people from the UK on a week long drinking binge is going to get absolutely battered week in week out so there’s no point in anything fancy..

If your near the Strip that’s certainly handy, bordering on life-saving in some circumstances. However, even if you are a 40 minute walk away taxi’s are cheap. There are a few decent options, the Ionnis Art Hotel, TZante and Alexandra are well located. The Plaza is nice. The Village is a 40 minute walk away from the action and don’t let any lying bastard tell you otherwise.

So I was asked to write this Hotel Guide as I’m an ex-rep, but frankly that’s about all I have to say. Just book a hotel, don’t fanny about.

However, there is one thing when it comes to hotels in Zante that I believe lads, and lasses, to be fair, should be aware of when on holiday. I call it ‘The Zante Cock Block’ and I know that HUNDREDS if not THOUSANDS of people have fallen victim to it.

So here’s how it goes down.

You’re an 18 year old male, which means your ferociously horny (don’t worry that’s perfectly natural). Your plan is to seduce multiple hot females on your holiday. It’s an ambitious plan but fortune favours the bold and although you look like Gollum on crack you’ve got a fair bit of banter.

It’s your second night, an absolute mastermind in your group has booked you on the VVIP Yacht Party and it’s completely rammo with talent. The girls are hot, drunk and excited. It’s now or never. So, you get your balls out of your purse and start chatting to Lucy from Wigan who you ‘accidentally’ bump into at the bar. Lucy is drunk and giggly and falls for your charming, funny chatter hook line and sinker. She thinks your ‘sweet’. It’s 7pm on Saturday night in Zante, the party is kicking off and it’s absolutely game on.

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Your cunning plan is to chuck as much booze down Lucy as possible. You buy some champagne, loads of laughing gas balloons, have a little boogie, bit of bump and grind and jolly good fun is being had by all. You get to the island, the yacht parks up and Lucy strips to her very skimpy Victoria’s Secret swimwear.
Her ass is like a ……. You can’t describe it, it’s the best fucking ass you’ve ever seen. It’s shaped like a peach but with the firmness of a cricket ball. You mutter a series of swear words under your breath, take a deep breath, pray to every God you have heard of, including Allah and follow Lucy and her tight little ass into the sea where she splashes about a bit then pretends to drown.
 You gallantly rescue her and give her a cheeky kiss of life. Lucy whispers in your ear ‘I can’t wait to repay you for saving me later, I’m going to ride you like a pony’. You probably would have got an uncontrollable and embarrassing erection at this point but fortunately the water is a bit cold.
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The night goes on, you enjoy a beautiful sunset, a few more cheeky kisses and you both realise your having a lovely time in Zante. And your fortune continues, unbelievably none of Lucy’s friends are cock blockers! Massive result. In fact they encourage you to take her back to your hotel for a ‘spoon’, it turns out she is the last in her group of friends to ‘lose it’. Little do they know, or any of your friends for that matter (you lied to them about the girl at the campsite in France), that your still seeking the ultimate glory yourself. This could be it! Your night in Zante is going from good to amazing with every passing second.
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Party’s over, but the best night of your life is just about to begin. Your mates have gone to get some chicken and chips, but you’ve made sure you have the room key, condoms, fucking stacks of them, are in the bedside drawer, Lucy, still in her bikini, is holding your hand tightly as you make your way to your hotel. You are literally swaggering up the Laganas Strip, the envy of every man you pass.

You get to the hotel and then your luck runs out. Big time. A fat, hairy Greek security guard blocks your path. His stomach is poking out of his shirt which has suspicious stains upon it.

‘No overnight guests’ he declares.

What?

‘She cannot stay here’.

‘I’m not staying the night, only for an hour’ says Lucy innocently, bless her she’s so keen no doubt she has been fantasising about this for years. ‘She is not coming in. She has to leave, NOW!’. He is 6ft 4 and he has a massive torch in his belt. He is probably descended from the fucking Spartans. You decide to beg.

‘Bruv come on – look at her! LOOK AT HER! How can you do this to me? Please for the LOVE OF GOD SHOW SOME HUMANITY!’.

‘OK, give me 100 euro she can stay’. You realise he has played this game before. Lucy looks at you hopefully…. The problem is you don’t have 100 euro, you spent it all on champagne and balloons and Jamie has the safe key. You don’t know where Jamie is.

You argue for a while but it’s no use, the cock blocking Greek bastard is not having it. You lose your cool and try to persuade Lucy to get cracking in the alley over the road, but she is ‘not that type of girl’. Then come the words that make your heart sink.

‘Can you take me back to my friends please’. You notice Lucy is cold and shivering now in her wet bikini and you think to yourself how nice it would have been to have eaten your way through the fabric like a wild pig snuffling for truffles.

And that’s it, the best night of your life so far has been ruined by a fat bastard Greek extortionist. Hero to Zero. Summer dreams ripped at the seams. What nightmares are made of.

You wander slowly up the Strip, find your mates and order some chicken. ‘How did you get on Charlie, that was quick did you smash her?’

‘Yeah mate, 3 times, she screamed the hotel down and we got chucked out so I put her in a taxi… NEXT!’

‘Nice one mate she was deeeeecent’

‘Yeah dirty little bitch she was, I’m going for two more tonight’

Of course, the icing on the cake is when you see Lucy a few hours later on the back of a moped being driven off into the night by the barman from the boat party, long blonde hair blowing in the wind… Zante workers have all the fun.

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Charlie ain’t that your bird on the moped with that geezer?’

Yeah, what a fu***** slag.

How can you prevent the ‘Zante Cock Block’?

And how do you lose your secret virginity to a lovely Lucy when your in Zanters?

  • Try to befriend your hotel security guard if possible.
  • Research alternate ways into your hotel.
  • If you think you could get cock blocked and extorted, pre-empt the dastardly situation and walk in separately, look confident.
  • Tell your companion to state your room number if challenged.
  • Always have access to emergency funds, 50 euro should swing it, they will negotiate, but obviously it depends how fit your bird is.
  • Don’t let your mate have the safe key.
  • If hotel entry fails maybe suggest a romantic walk along the beach.

Here endeth the lesson. Share with your friends.

Now check out our guide to Zante Events, Bars and Clubs

You can check out details of the VVIP Yacht Party here