THE ZANTE DONT’S – HOW NOT TO DIE!
Don’t come to Zante and die has to be one of our top tips. Apart from being a massive waste of money, losing your life when you’re supposed to be enjoying a lovely holiday is also extremely selfish. Your untimely death will undoubtedly affect other people; your friends (whose holiday you will also ruin), your parents (Dad won’t be happy picking you up from Gatwick in a cardboard box), and not forgetting the Greek people who have to clear up the mess (scraping you up with a shovel etc). So how to avoid becoming a deader in Zante? Well, the good news is, it’s VERY EASY! Millions of people just like you have visited the beautiful island of Zakynthos and returned home in one piece and you can too if you have at least half a brain. If you do one thing today, share this Zante Survival guide with your friends, who knows, you might at least save them a massive hospital bill.
Naked Zante’s Top Tips
for avoiding death or serious injury in Zante.
Avoid being involved in a Quad bike accident.
Every summer thousands of quad bikes are rented to young people who have never driven one of the infernal machines before and who have never driven in Greece before. These horrible machines are very unstable, have no safety belt and the roads round Zante are nothing short of a nightmare. Every summer HUNDREDS of young people have accidents. If you extrapolate across all of the resorts in Spain and Greece, the numbers jump to THOUSANDS. The casualty rate for people who rent quad bikes is a simply astonishing 25%. That’s ONE IN FOUR! One in every four people who rent a quad bike will have an accident and hurt themselves. Also, if you have an accident, you will usually incur damage to the bike, which you will receive a hefty bill for. They have your passport and you will basically be extorted out of several hundred euro, it’s a well known racket. This money would be far better spent on something enjoyable like a nice cold beer or a Woo Woo on the beach.
Don’t fall from a balcony to your death.
It may be a simple manoeuvre to hop over onto your friends balcony in the warm light of day when you are stone cold sober. However,when you’re extremely pissed this simple manoeuvre could cause you to be stone cold dead. Every summer across the tourist resorts, many people (at least 16 last summer alone according to our research) fell from a balcony and either died or were seriously injured. Very stupid things often seem like a good idea when you are drunk, a couple of years ago in Zante a young man thought he would show off to his mates by climbing an electricity pylon. It was the last bad idea of his short life and he was completely frazzled in front of hundreds of shocked people including his screaming girlfriend. They were unable to take him down for over an hour.
Avoid confrontations with unlicensed foreign doormen.
The security situation in Zante is VERY different from the UK. Bouncers are often not licensed, or worried at all about legal action. In the UK security professionals will only use violence when necessary. This is not the case in Zante. When they tell you to f**k off, it’s extremely sensible to do that because if you don’t get out of their sight very quickly you will get slapped. Hard. Bouncers in Zante may have a few tricks up their sleeve like pepper spray and they won’t hesitate to use them. Put yourself in their steel capped shoes. There may be 2 or 3 bouncers in charge of keeping the peace in a bar or club packed with huge groups of lads. So, they HAVE to act first and act hardest as they are outnumbered massively. Don’t learn this lesson the hard way lads, everyone gets a bit brave after a few beers but you will regret it. And ladies, if you see a fight kicking off, don’t go and see what’s happening – go in the other direction or you may end up with pepper spray in your eyes!
Avoid smashing your face in or breaking your neck.
Always check the depth of a swimming pool before you drunkenly enter it head first with your arms by your side shouting out SALMOOOOOOON or they could be your infamous last words! Or if the guy on the microphone on the boat party says ‘Don’t dive from the top deck it’s too shallow’. THEN DON’T! Hundreds of young people are injured every year across the European tourist resorts by doing this, and some end up paralysed for life – not a good look, especially when you have gone to Zante to graft birds.
Falling off a bar.
One of the great things about Zante is that males are not allowed to dance on bars. Now lets face it girls, dancing on a bar is not a good look at the best of times, but falling off backwards into the large bin full of empty beer bottles is an epic fail and should be avoided. You can of course also fall on to trays of glasses other people, rows of bottles etc. Be careful up there girls and wear some nice underwear for heavens sake!
Remember your Green Cross Code.
You know those knob heads who drive really fast round the streets in your home town? Well, there are LOADS of them in Zante and it’s not just cars they are driving. Peak season there are literally hundreds of international knob heads racing around, pissed out of their faces on racing bikes, quad bikes and mopeds. Driving up and down the packed strip like c****. Look out for them! Look both ways twice when crossing. Don’t get drunk and stagger out into the road. Accidents happen every year and the results are really, really horrific. In 4 Summers I have personally seen over 20 people run over on the Laganas Strip and scores of moped and quad bike collisions. Remember your bloody Green Cross Code.
Beware of cheap/free alcohol.(usually at dodgy events)
There is no such thing as a Free lunch is a well known maxim. There is also no such thing as a free bar. If you pay 40 euro to go to a free bar, it is not free is it? Please remember this is a gimmick to take your money off you. It’s the oldest trick in the book for people who run ‘events’ in tourist resorts and every year people fall for it. Ask yourself this question. If you were the owner of a club or a booze cruise that included a free bar, would you provide Smirnoff Vodka to the 300 people with plastic cups guzzling 10 cocktails a minute? Or would you look for the cheapest vodka available in Europe. Cheap vodka is vile and drinking too much of it is going to f*** you up proper. Every night in Zante on the Laganas Strip you will see loads of casualties passed out in the gutter or being carried home vomiting out of their nose. Alcohol poisoning is horrible and will ruin your holiday and your friends and if you end up in a medical centre having your stomach pumped or on a saline drip it’s going to cost you 150 euro which is poetic justice really for those who thought a 4 hour free bar on a dodgy booze cruise was a good idea.
Ok, so that’s how to get home from Zante in one piece covered, next up find out how to not get ripped off here